 Explaining
Death to a Child
Studies have shown that children as young as 2 years old can understand
and comprehend the death of a loved one. For children at a very early
age having an awareness and response to death, they should be given the
opportunity to attend the visitation and the funeral service. Even though
these children can understand the death, they still need guidance from
an adult about what is going on. Children can have a vivid imagination
if things are not properly explained to them. The funeral director can
advise you on how to assist children at the time of a funeral, and can
provide you with additional information and literature.
The following is a list of do’s and don’ts to help you when
talking to children about death compiled by NFDA grief educator and minister
Victor M. Parachin.
- DO be honest about death. As hard as it may be to break the news to
a child, honesty is the best policy. It is far worse for a child to
accidentally discover the “secret” and then be told “We
thought it was best not to tell you.”
- DON’T use euphemisms. Explaining death to a child as “Uncle
Johnny went on a long trip” or “Grandma Betty is sleeping”
may instill fear in the child of going on a trip or to sleep. It is
better to explain in simple phrases like “dead means a person’s
body has stopped working and won’t work any more.”
- DO help children express their feelings. Encourage children to cry-out
their grief and talk out their thoughts and feelings about death.
- DO be a good listener. Like adults, children need to talk about the
loss and their feelings connected to it.
- DON’T tell a child how to feel. Let a child experience and express
grief in their own way.
- DO offer continuous love and assurance. Children need to know they
are loved to feel secure. By being present and available during the
difficult mourning process, parents can help their children bear the
pain.
- DON’T hide your grief from children. Seeing you grieve will
let children know that it is normal and healthy to cry and feel sad
after death.
- DO invite others to help your children. Often, someone outside the
family can provide much needed additional comfort, concern and care.
- DON’T assume children will just “get over it.” Whether
you are dealing with a young child or adolescent, be proactive and provide
all of the comfort and consolation you can.
- DO nurture faith but DON’T blame your personal religious god.
Often a death will draw religious questions from a child. Explaining
to a child that “God needed daddy,” or “It was Allah’s
will,” can create future spiritual problems. Instead, remind your
child that “Buddha shares our pain and will help us get through
the crisis.”
It is an unfortunate thing, that death is apart of everyone's life.
Death doesn't seem to keep track of age, or health of someone who is young.
As parents, we try to shield our children from the grief of loss. However
this cannot always be done, when someone close to the child passes. Whether
it be the death of a grandparent, parent, sibling, or friend the child
will have learn this harsh life lesson. While the knowledge about death
will depend greatly on the age of a child, it is important to remember
that you should be honest with your child. You should always encourage
questions; I know that this is a hard thing to teach your children but
it is important. You will need to create an atmosphere that breeds comfort,
and openness that will allow your child to open up about their feelings.
However, if you find that you are unable to muster up the conversation;
there are many resources that are available to you. From books, counselors,
family and friends there are many means that can help to provide guidance
for you, and your child. If you put forth the effort, even before the
time a death strikes those most dear and near, it will aid you in getting
your child through the difficult time in their life.
How do you explain death to a child? Well, that will all depend on the
age of your child and your child's capacity to understand death, and the
approach taken to discuss it. Every child will require different tactics,
however there are a few guidelines that you can follow to help ease this
conversation. When children are under the age of six, it is important
to remember that they view their world in a literal sense. It is a good
idea to embrace this, and give them the basic and concrete facts on life
and death. IE: If the child has lost a grandparent you may want to try
explaining; that the person's body isn't working anymore like it should,
and that the doctors weren't able to fix it. However, in the event that
a death occurs suddenly such as in a tragic car accident, you may wish
to explain what happened in the sad event; and why the body stopped working.
(You should steer clear of graphic terms, such as blood loss etc). While
a child who is this young cannot properly comprehend, why someone that
was near and dear is no longer coming to visit they tend to cope fairly
quickly. You may be asked questions, about why that person is no longer
around. I know that you are experiencing grief as well, but it is important
to keep your composure; and calmly reiterate that the person has died
and cannot come back. Although it is a common mistake, but you should
try to avoid using terms such as "went away" or "went to
sleep", as this may cause problems or fear in your child about sleeping,
or whenever someone goes away.
While younger children may have questions, it is important not to leave
your teenager in the dust. Teenagers tend to have an understanding about
death, that is far greater than a child from one to eleven years of age;
however they may begin to think about their own mortality in the process.
If your teenager's friend passes in a car accident, your child may be
reluctant to get behind the wheel, or even ride in a car for some time.
It is important to empathize about what they are feeling, and reassure
them that there are ways to stay safe and healthy. Such as never getting
into a car with someone who has been consuming alcohol. Lastly, it is
important to help your child mourn the loss of their friend or relative.
If they wish to be alone, gladly accept this with an open invitation to
talk when they are ready.
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