 Phases
of Grief
Following the death of a loved one or the loss of a critical relationship
(for instance, through divorce), it can seem as though the intense, sometimes
overwhelming, and often conflicting physical and emotional reactions completely
take over a person’s life. Many find that it can take up to a year
to experience the deepest aspects of the grieving process and begin coming
to terms with their loss. Understanding that there are natural and commonly
experienced symptoms and “phases” of grief can often help.
Although there are certainly variations in the intensity, duration and
highly personal nature of each person’s experience, most go through
the following three phases:
- Shock and/or denial
- Emotional and physical pain
- Reorganization and integration
It is very important to understand that these phases are by no means
experienced as a linear 1-2-3 sequence. Most people find that the phases
frequently overlap and often re-occur (sometimes quite unexpectedly) as
they mourn their loss and in their own time change the relation to their
loss from “presence” to “memory.”
Shock and/or Denial
A sense of numbness or disbelief weighs heavily on the grief-stricken
individual. Many later describe having a “flat” or “empty”
feeling, some say their mind felt “closed” and they were unable
to accept all or even part of what had just occurred, and still others
describe having felt completely detached, as if the experience of loss
was happening to someone else.
Emotional and Physical Pain
People often describe this phase of grief as a seemingly never-ending
roller coaster ride of emotions and physical reactions. Throughout the
first year, as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays that hold special
meaning come up, it is not uncommon to become repeatedly overcome by levels
of emotional and physical pain that can feel nearly as intense as when
the loss first occurred.
Commonly experienced emotional symptoms include:
- Depression
- Despair
- Confusion
- Irritability
- Rage
- Guilt
- Loneliness
- Distraction or preoccupation
- Passivity, a sense that “life has lost all meaning”
- “Out of the blue” crying jags
Many people express such feelings as “a part of me has died,”
or “I wish I was dead, too.” During this phase it is also
not uncommon to feel angry with those one feels are “responsible”
for the loss, including God, physicians, or even the loved one who has
died.
Physical Reactions
Commonly experienced physical reactions include:
- Decreased energy and extreme fatigue
- Loss of appetite (or in some cases, eating excessively in an attempt
to fill a void)
- Anxiety that can manifest in hyperventilation or panic attacks
- Shaking, tremors
- Memory loss
- Specific aches and pains, such as headaches, abdominal discomfort,
back aches, or a stiff neck that are unrelated to any medical problem
- Tendency to push self to extremes at work, school or in a demanding
exercise regime
Reorganization and Integration
While sadness, pain and disbelief may continue, the individual progressively
comes to terms with the reality of their loss and finds they are gradually
more able to develop renewed interest in work, family, friends and life
in general.
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