Phases of Grief

Following the death of a loved one or the loss of a critical relationship (for instance, through divorce), it can seem as though the intense, sometimes overwhelming, and often conflicting physical and emotional reactions completely take over a person’s life. Many find that it can take up to a year to experience the deepest aspects of the grieving process and begin coming to terms with their loss. Understanding that there are natural and commonly experienced symptoms and “phases” of grief can often help. Although there are certainly variations in the intensity, duration and highly personal nature of each person’s experience, most go through the following three phases:

• Shock and/or denial
• Emotional and physical pain
• Reorganization and integration

It is very important to understand that these phases are by no means experienced as a linear 1-2-3 sequence. Most people find that the phases frequently overlap and often re-occur (sometimes quite unexpectedly) as they mourn their loss and in their own time change the relation to their loss from “presence” to “memory.”

Shock and/or Denial

A sense of numbness or disbelief weighs heavily on the grief-stricken individual. Many later describe having a “flat” or “empty” feeling, some say their mind felt “closed” and they were unable to accept all or even part of what had just occurred, and still others describe having felt completely detached, as if the experience of loss was happening to someone else.

Emotional and Physical Pain

People often describe this phase of grief as a seemingly never-ending roller coaster ride of emotions and physical reactions. Throughout the first year, as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays that hold special meaning come up, it is not uncommon to become repeatedly overcome by levels of emotional and physical pain that can feel nearly as intense as when the loss first occurred.

Commonly experienced emotional symptoms include:

• Depression
• Despair
• Confusion
• Irritability
• Rage
• Guilt
• Loneliness
• Distraction or preoccupation
• Passivity, a sense that “life has lost all meaning”
• “Out of the blue” crying jags

Many people express such feelings as “a part of me has died,” or “I wish I was dead, too.” During this phase it is also not uncommon to feel angry with those one feels are “responsible” for the loss, including God, physicians, or even the loved one who has died.

Physical Reactions

Commonly experienced physical reactions include:

• Decreased energy and extreme fatigue
• Loss of appetite (or in some cases, eating excessively in an attempt to fill a void)
• Anxiety that can manifest in hyperventilation or panic attacks
• Shaking, tremors
• Memory loss
• Specific aches and pains, such as headaches, abdominal discomfort, back aches, or a stiff neck that are unrelated to any medical problem
• Tendency to push self to extremes at work, school or in a demanding exercise regime

Reorganization and Integration

While sadness, pain and disbelief may continue, the individual progressively comes to terms with the reality of their loss and finds they are gradually more able to develop renewed interest in work, family, friends and life in general.

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